Quiet

It is a beautiful rainy morning here in Arizona. My roses are blooming and "Bennett's Garden" is doing well. I'm not having a panic attack or feeling particularly down. The kids are both at school. There's a slight lull in my work (although I do have a couple of calls to make but I'm ignoring them for now). It's quiet.

I've learned to appreciate quiet, maybe because it's so rare in our busy household. So I'm just sitting here listening to Bella's gentle breathing. The breathy buzz of the computer. The occasional drip of the toilet in the hall bathroom. My own fingers tapping on the keyboard. And nothing else.

I know the noise is coming, but this moment is good and I savor it like I would biting into a chocolate brownie or being in the presence of a Renoir or reading a poem by William Stafford. Or even a long hug from one of those noisy boys.

Obedience

"But I have found that whenever I have surrendered in obedience, impossible things have become simple.... May he who has helped me with even more difficult things than this one help me now. Into his mercy I deliver my trust."

- St. Teresa of Avila from The Interior Castle

I've just started reading this book and it is blowing me away already. It's "heady" as Matt would say - St. Teresa was a 16th century nun and mystic - her wisdom and obvious intimacy with God is apparent in each paragraph, almost each sentence. I'll keep you updated.

Much love,
Natalie

Hope

Well, considering that we've been delinquent for fully two months, I'm surprised you're here. But I'm glad. It has been a dark couple of months for me personally, struggling with major depressive disorder, panic attacks, and associated medication issues. It may surprise you to know that I've actually struggled with it for more than two years, but it's not one of those things you talk about much, and I've discovered an incredible ability to put on a smile when I have to. These last months have been particularly dark, though.

Anyway, there's the reality. But God has been here with me, even when I haven't been able to talk to him. There's no end to the story wrapped in a nice shiny bow, except for taking steps day by day and looking for God's faithfulness in the midst of it all. To close, I'll share something I wrote recently that reflects pretty accurately my state of mind.

Thanks for finding us again.
Natalie



Hope

There are parts of the journey
so dark that you wish life was
a movie and you could cut
to the scene three years later
where you’re happier and
wiser for all you’ve been through
and the next tragedy has yet to come.

But life isn’t a movie, although
I keep looking for the musical
montage where I am made over
from housewife to supermodel
within the span of a three minute song.

And I’m waiting for the climactic
moment when all life’s troubles
disappear as a long-lost uncle
leaves us a small fortune and a
magical potion allows my husband
to read my mind and no one I
know gets a cold or strep throat,
much less autism or cancer.

But life isn’t a movie. The darkness
is real, along with bills and silence
and neurological disorders. Besides,
my long-lost uncle is a retired barber.

There are parts of the journey
so dark that we finally look past
the futility of wishes and scan the
horizon for that pinpoint of light
in the vast darkness and find Jesus in
both. Then we hope, hold on and walk.

And when the house lights finally come
up, we see that God’s purpose is not
happiness or all the answers but our
obedience despite not having a script.

Where have we been?

Oh my gosh! Somehow I checked and it's been about two weeks since we last posted here. I have no idea how that happened ... we've been distracted by life's challenges lately, I think. Anyway, I don't feel much like writing, but I did want to share some recent photos of our beautiful boys (and just a few of their beautiful cousins!) from our midwest trip.

A little hint: you can click on each photo to view it much bigger in your browser, if you feel like it. Love to all!

Midwest adventures, part 2

So, we're innocently driving from Minneapolis to my grandma's small town in Southeast Minnesota and Evan decides he has to go to the bathroom for the, I don't know, 100th time? Matt and I swear we stopped at every McDonald's along that stretch to use the facilities. Make that for Evan to use the facilities.

Anyway, we spot a McDonald's off the highway near Blue Earth, a town I remember from childhood jaunts from Red Wing to Round Lake (grandma's town). What I don't remember is the 50 foot Jolly Green Giant statue standing guard over the miles and miles of surrounding cornfields.

What self-respecting family could resist such a photo opportunity??






I know, I know. It has to end innappropriately. Sorry about that - but isn't it funny? haha

Going home, part 1

As part of our jaunt in the midwest earlier this month, we spent part of a day in my old hometown, Red Wing, Minnesota. If you've never been there (which I'm sure is the vast majority of you), it's definitely worth the trip some day. Red Wing is an old, historical river town south of St. Paul just full of lovely old buildings, neighborhoods built on bluffs overlooking the river (that's THE river - the Mississippi), and more inborn charm that Chandler, Arizona could ever hope to create.

Red Wing will always bring back memories of childhood for me...

...including the YMCA where I took swimming lessons and was part of the city-winning girl's softball team...

...the gradeschool where I discovered Olivia Newton John and "I Write the Songs" in the 6th grade coat room...

...and the neighborhood grocery where my brother Travis was caught and convicted of candy bar theft at age 6 or 7. Of course, we've never let him live that down. :-).

The downtown area itself brings back so many memories...especially the library (shocker). I actually wanted to take a picture of the row of shelves that contained the Nancy Drew mysteries and the Betsy, Tacy and Tib books. However, the library was closed at 4pm on a Thursday. Ah yes, small town life.

Right next to the library is a beautiful town square surrounded by four different churches, all of them made of stone and absolutely gorgeous. The Methodist church in the background shows the bell tower that provides chimes throughout the day. I'm wondering if somehow this beautiful flower display got into my subconscious early on and is part of my garden longings. The smell of roses and alyssum was just lovely.

The town theater is also right across from the library. Yes, this is where I recall seeing "Return of the Jedi," "Sleeping Beauty," and a Don Knotts/Tim Conway vehicle called "The Private Eyes."

No upper-midwest town should be without a shop proudly displaying and profitting from its scandanavian heritage. In Red Wing, that's the Uff-da shop. "Uff-da" can fill in for almost any nonsense phrase ... and it really is a cool little store.

The Villain Who Tried To Hurt Spider-Man

We're back! Sorry it took so long, but since we got back from vacation I've been in a writing fog (writing that actually pays me something, I mean) and had a deadline today. Now my stories are sent off, I can breathe for a couple of minutes, and I wanted to share what's been keeping Evan in a writing fog this week. All I can say is, you've gotta love a Spider-man lovin' 8 year old's story! My two favorite lines: "Venom kicked Spider-man in the face. Spider-man kicked him back."

Love, Natalie

P.S. Vacation updates and photos coming soon!


The Villain Who Tried To Hurt Spider-Man
By Evan Morris

One night Peter was watching T.V. with M.J. in the living room. Then a mysterious villain crashed through the window. They were so shocked!! He was creepy with a black suit. Peter changed into Spider-man. The villain took Spider-man to his lair.

In his lair was a cage to capture Spider-man. He put Spider-man in the cage. The bars were made of super strong metal. Spider-man could not break free of the cage. The villain went “roal!” and said, “You’ll never break free of my cage, Spider-man.” There was a white spider on his black suit. M.J. kept looking and looking but she still didn’t find Spider-man. Just then the villain said, “You like my old cage, Spider-man?” in a sarcastic voice.

Just then Mary Jane found the villain’s lair and got Spider-man free. “Are you okay, Spider-man?” said Mary Jane. “I sure am, M.J.,” said Spider-man. All of a sudden, Mary Jane found out who the villain was. It was Venom! Venom was surprised that Mary Jane had freed Spider-man. Spider-man shot his web at Venom but Venom broke free easily. Next, Venom shot his black web at Spider-man and Spider-man broke free too. Spider-man and Venom started battling for good. They battled and battled. Venom kicked Spider-man in the face. Spider-man kicked him back. Finally the steel bars fell from the ceiling of the lair and the symbiote got off of Venom. Then Spider-man discovered Venom’s true identity – Eddie Brock. Eddie Brock said “Noooo, my precious symbiote!” One of the steel bars fell on Eddie and he was defeated. Venom was never heard from again.

The End

Cousinly love

Hi everyone,
Sorry it's been so quiet around here this past week. Our niece and/or cousin Miranda was in town for 9 days, so we kept her busy playing Game Cube, swimming, going to the mall, watching "Pride and Prejudice" (hey, she liked it!), and beating us in cards.

A favorite memory of her visit is that one of her few requested activities for the week was playing "Apples to Apples" with my parents. This may have been a first. For any of you who've had the ... good fortune (??) to play a game with my parents, let's just say it's an experience. Anyway, we ended up having a good time and she was a good sport. Hey, she asked for it!

Evan and Bennett were especially sad to see her go, but it helps that we are off to see lots of other cousins tomorrow! At approximately 4:30 a.m., we will valiantly drive away from our house, head to the airport, and fly to the Land of 10,000 Lakes. For those of you who've never been to Minnesota, this is not an exaggeration. Case in point ... we are headed north to celebrate my Grandmother's 90th birthday. Guess what her town of 300 people is called? Of course. Round Lake ... because the actual Round Lake is a mile or so outside of town. I'm excited for Matt and the boys to see the town that plays such a huge part in my childhood memories!! Plus, I'm going to see cousins that I haven't seen since I was in my early teens. Weird.

Anyway, just wanted to explain why things will be quiet for the next week or so. But we will return with a vengeance with lots of stories from the Midwest road.

Love to you all!
Natalie

Who needs front teeth anyway?

Finally ... after endless months of waiting ... Evan's front teeth came out a few nights ago. It was all quite dramatic and a little bloody, but I'll spare you the details. Needless to say, Evan was THRILLED and we are enjoying his cute new smile. Check out the new look!




By the way, it's been a while since anyone commented and I also got an e-mail from my sister-in-law (the lovely Lisa) that she was having technical difficulties posting a comment. Is everyone else having technical difficulties or am I just talking to myself? I'm okay with talking to myself, just want to help if folks are having trouble. :-)

The monsoon has arrived!

Who says it never rains in Arizona? Okay, we did have an 80+ day stretch there earlier this year, but during July, August, and September the monsoon helps make up for what we've been missing.

I love the monsoon season. It's one of my favorite things about living in Arizona. Summer temperatures go down a little (okay, 101 or so, but down is down), humidity goes up, and the afternoon storms roll in almost every day. Thunder, lightning, downpours of rain, walls of dust - it's quite dramatic and helps the local weather guys actually earn their keep. Living on the southeast edge of the Valley (less than a mile away from open desert stretching down to Tucson), we tend to get feel the effects of the monsoon more than more Central parts of the area. I couldn't be happier.

Last Friday, we had a burst of rain early in the evening. It was unusual, because there was no dust, no lightning, and just a little thunder involved, so we felt safe letting the kids (and me!) play in it. Here's proof:

The first day of school

Yes, it's hard for those of you who don't start school until after Labor Day to believe, but Evan started third grade yesterday! The paper I freelance for asked me to write a first person account of the first day of school in our household, and here's what I came up with. Hey, this one's going to be published! :-) Hope you like it, because maybe that means my editors will, too.

******************************************************************************

The first day of school is here and it’s magical. A day filled with possibilities and fresh starts and reunions with friends. Pencils are sharpened, notebooks are crisp, and backpacks are free from cracker crumbs and fundraising flyers for the last time all year.

I feel the pull of the magic, but it’s bittersweet. I’m a mom. Whether a first step, first day of school, first date – every first is both a cause for celebration and a reminder that my son’s childhood is fleeting. I remember enough of my own swift journey through Dorothy Hamill haircuts, leg warmers, and Duran Duran to recognize that being a kid doesn’t last long enough.

Summer break didn’t last either, although in some ways that’s a good thing. The extra time together has been special, but summer in South Chandler largely means hibernating indoors or in a swimming pool. Seven weeks later we’ve run out of new ideas and the thrill is gone.

After the initial struggle to get myself out of bed (no more sleeping in past 6:30 a.m.), somehow I fall back easily into the school morning routine: breakfast for the kids, making sure Evan’s clothes actually match, packing lunch, filling up water bottles, reminders about brushing teeth. Surprisingly, Evan falls into the routine, too. Forgotten is last night’s desperate vow never to go back to school again.

I look at my now third grade son, ready for the day. I smile at his one-man homage to Spiderman: shirt, shoes, backpack, lunchbox. I take in his gap-toothed grin, his hesitant brown eyes, his wavy hair grown “medium” length because he likes it that way. In one glance I can see both the baby he once was and a reflection of the man he will become. Then I laugh because that man is wearing a size seven, cherry red Spiderman t-shirt.

Our family is fortunate enough to live just a block away from Hull Elementary, so Evan, preschool brother Bennett, my husband, and I renew our daily pilgrimage and join the throng of kids and parents traveling the greenbelt path.

The day’s magic droops a bit as the hot, humid morning takes its toll. Not surprisingly, the actual drop-off is a bit anticlimactic as our new third-grader spots some friends and eagerly picks up where he left off last spring. We turn back and pass by kindergarten moms fighting tears as their babies miraculously transform into boys and girls. And I hold my own four-year-old baby’s hand a little tighter, silently giving thanks for one more year before those tears are mine.

We begin the quiet walk home, reflective yet eager for air-conditioning. The cicada-filled trees surround us with a monsoon song that somehow fits the morning’s bittersweet mood.

Suddenly, Bennett glances around and asks “Where’s Evan?”

“Remember, he’s back at school today,” I answer.

“Oh.” Then, “I miss Evan.”

Even though we just said goodbye, I miss him, too. But I know that Evan is where he needs to be, that this first day of school and its magic is really about his journey, not about mine. I just hope that someday, when the reflection of the man I saw becomes reality, Evan still wears a cherry red Spiderman t-shirt once in a while. Just not a size seven.

Our neurotic daughter

Almost exactly a year ago, I decided that I was done being the only girl in an all-male household (oh, who am I kidding ... I'd have no idea what to do with a daughter) and we got Bella. For those who haven't yet met her, she is a Labradoodle (half-Lab, half-standard Poodle) that we got from the Humane Society when she was about six months old. Here's our little girl:


She's incredibly intelligent, wags her tail with her entire backside, and is unswervingly loyal. Okay, so she freaks out when anyone new comes to the house or if she sees other other dogs when we're on a walk, but we're working on it. The key phrase for any visitors to our home is "don't make eye contact." That seems to do the trick - thanks "Dog Whisperer" and Travis (beewee) for helping us figure that one out.

Yeah, she's neurotic. But she's our girl.

Love is good

Last night I tucked Bennett in to sleep (for either the fourth or fifth time, I can't remember), gave him a big hug, and told him I loved him. After a thoughtful pause, he laid this one on me:

"Mom, why is love so good?"

I had to ask him to repeat himself because I was so surprised (although why I'm ever surprised by deep thoughts from Bennett I don't know). He asked his question again in a way that told me this wasn't just a throwaway question, he really wanted to know. Of course, there are few throwaway questions that come from Bennett - his curiosity is one of his very best qualities.

I thought for a little bit about how to respond, and then told him that love is so good because that's what we were made for, that God designed us to love each other and to love him. So when we do what we were made to do, it feels good inside.

I'm not sure if that's the "right" answer, but it seemed to satisfy him. So what do you think? What would your answer have been? Why IS love so good?

Perseverance

per·se·ver·ance
–noun
1. steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.
2. Theology. continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation.

This particular word has come up a lot lately with Matt and me, in addition to its word-cousin, arduous. Have you ever known that you were in the middle of a long journey and had a moment where the only thing you wanted was to be home, safe and cozy on your own couch or in your own bed, and then looked at the map and remembered that you were hundreds of miles away from your destination? Ugh.

Yeah, that's kind of how we've felt lately. Like we're in the middle of an arduous journey with "miles to go before we sleep" ... to steal from my good buddy Robert Frost. I think we've just felt very grown up all of a sudden, which sounds odd at 39 and 36 - five years into a mortgage with two kids way out of diapers - but it's true.

Do you remember the scene in the movie "Parenthood" where Steve Martin's character is having an intense conversation with his wife and he utters the line "my whole life is have to!" We were watching that movie a few months ago and related in a whole new way to that discussion. Much of life right now is "have to" and duty and responsibility and just getting through.

But Matt and I are both completely committed to the life we've chosen and the last year has strengthened our relationship in amazing new ways. The journey is hard, but we will continue to take it step by step, mile by mile ... looking for joy along the way ... knowing that all of a sudden one day things won't seem quite so hard, and we'll realize that we've finally arrived at our destination. And then we'll start a new journey.

The best thing about all of this is the opportunity to see God at work in unexpected ways, knowing that he is using all of it for good ... stretching us beyond our comfort zone so that we can become the people he has created us to be.

Here are a couple of translations of the verses I was reading tonight that inspired all of this. I'm including the different versions because I think all three of them are wonderful:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4, NIV)

Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything. (James 1:2-4, NLT)

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. (James 1:2-4, The Message)

I pray that we will view our difficulties as opportunities for joy, that we will develop perseverance, and that we won't try to get out of it before God has done his work in us. And I pray the same for you on your own journey.

Coming out of the (romance) closet

Because they are both such a big part of our lives, you will get your fill of books and music when you come to visit our little blog. I love to read almost as much as Matt loves to find cool, obscure bands or humble you (in the nicest possible way) with his knowledge of lyrics to 70s songs the rest of us have forgotten. Plus, I really do love music, too - knowing that I can never compare passion-wise to my husband, of course - and Matt occasionally looks at the books I've placed on shelves all over our house. And he passionately supports the fact that I like to read and write. Ah, and he can read (college degree and all). I'm just teasing, but he really does only read a few books a year and sometimes I read a few books a week, so we laugh about the contrast.

Anyway, I figured that telling you about the books on my nightstand might be fun from time-to-time, but quickly came to the realization that this meant coming clean about a secret that few of my friends or family know about me. Can I do it? Will I be able to face my fellow English-major brother again? Yes, I think the time has come to come clean: I love to read romance novels.

(Here comes the defensive part...) This is no way detracts from my love of classic literature, poetry that doesn't rhyme, or literary non-fiction. My reading tastes are broad and I'm typically reading a few different things at the same time (thus the pile on the nightstand), but there is nothing like a good romance when I'm looking for something that doesn't make me think, that I can finish in a day or two, and that provides a happy ending that makes me smile. I'm a romantic at heart (just ask Matt) and this is my outlet for that.

Anyway, I shouldn't say that I read "romance novels" in such a generic way. I'm actually quite particular about the kind of romances I read. Usually they are Regency novels (set in England during the early 1800s) a la Jane Austen (yes, now it's all making sense!) and are written by particular writers that I can count on for a good plot, character development, and some humor. Every once in a while I'll stray away from that if I find a really good author, but I'm really just trying to find another Mr. Darcy to daydream about. Don't worry, Matt isn't threatened by my love for a fictional character. :-)

So, mock me if you will, but I feel good about this confession. Now to the business at hand. Here's what's on my nightstand:

- Don't Know Much About History...Everything You Need to Know About American History But Never Learned by Kenneth C. Davis: One of the things I loved about studying literature in college (and still enjoy about reading it) is that it provides a way to learn about the history of the time in which it was written (or about which is being written). This is a really approachable history book written in an entertaining, almost funny way.

- Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier: A classic gothic novel published in the late 1930s, this is part ghost story, part romance. I've just started but I really like it so far.

- The Duke and I by Julia Quinn: Thus the reason for my confession. I LOVE Julia Quinn novels. Witty dialogue, believable characters, and interesting love stories. This book is the first in the Bridgerton Family Series, a collection of books about eight brothers and sisters and their journeys to true love. These are books that I will read and re-read. Try it, you might like it!

Beware of "Mouse Trap"

Mouse Trap may be the most annoying board game ever created ... at least from a parent's point of view. First, it takes forever to set up initially. Then, its pieces fall apart constantly during the game. Next, we spend half the game trying to keep the kids from spontaneously "turning the crank" to catch other mice, which if we are all really honest, is the whole point. Lastly, the boys aren't really interested in any aspects of the game except "turning the crank," so it turns out to be 30 minutes or so of kid chaos and parent frustration. Just imagine, 30 minutes with kids in this state of mind:

Cute, but a little much after a couple of minutes. Can you tell it was Morris Family Game Night tonight? This is a little ritual that we started once we realized that Evan and Bennett had seen every episode of "America's Funniest Home Videos," which used to be our Sunday night family tradition. So, the kids got older and we moved on to board games. On the menu tonight, Mouse Trap (obviously), Dora Candyland, and an awesome thing you should check out called Fun Folio: Family Edition - it's from Cranium and if you are a family that is in any way creative and silly, you'll have a blast with it. Plus, when we're done, we'll have a family memory book to boot. Love the double duty!

The evening ended with a "Funny Face Contest."




Matt won by a vote of 3-1 (I was the runner up - sigh). What do you think?

Happy birthday, grandfather

We want to send a big happy birthday hug out to Grandpa Rust!!


So last night, the four of us were discussing the fact that it was Grandpa's birthday the next day. It went something like this, nearly word for word, I swear:

Natalie: Hey, it's Grandpa's birthday tomorrow!
Bennett: I call him Papa or Grandfather. But I don't call him Loren.
(Editor's note - we've never heard Bennett call him Grandfather. Back to the dialogue.)
Natalie: So, what should we do for Papa's birthday?
Bennett: Bite his knee?
General laughter, encouraging the silliness.
Evan: Suck his thumb?
More laughter meaning, of course, that the silliness will only escalate.
Bennett: Sing Happy Birthday, dig a hole and throw him in it?
Uncomfortable laughter as we ponder for the first time whether Bennett's future lies with the mob.
Evan: Throw him in the pool?
Ah, now that sounds like the perfect way to celebrate someone's 61st birthday!
Natalie: Maybe we could get him something for his birthday.
Bennett: A book?
Finally an answer that seems normal. We rejoice!
Natalie: That's a good idea. What kind of book?
Bennett: A book with no pictures.
Also logical.
Natalie: Hmmm...maybe. What should the book be about? What does Papa like to do?
Bennett: Work. So we could get him a working book.
We love four year olds.

Finally a decision is made about what Papa's birthday gift should be. But regardless, we love you Papa or Grandpa or Grandfather or whatever your name is.

When autism doesn't suck

We had an appointment today with Evan's Behavioral and Developmental Pediatrician, Dr. Daniel Kessler, because that's the kind of appointment you have every couple of months when your kid has autism.

What's cool is that we love Dr. Kessler. Evan loves him. Matt loves him. I love him. Bennett begged not to be left behind at Grandma's one day when we had an appointment, so I'm assuming he loves him. I think maybe even Bella loves him, but that might be a stretch.

Anyway, Dr. Kessler is everything a doctor should be, especially a pediatric doctor. He's incredibly patient. He's down to earth. He listens. He shows great respect for Evan and yet expects the same respect back. He's a little bit silly. He even looks a little bit silly, in an Einstein sort of way.


I think you see what I mean.

And I believe he really cares. I felt that almost five years ago during our first visit when we were scared and confused and didn't understand what was happening to our little boy. And I felt it during today's visit when we were proud and joyful and still don't always understand our little boy.

Today's was one of the rare visits to Dr. Kessler where we could go in with smiles on our faces and brag about how amazing Evan is doing, how his teacher and aide and special ed teacher ADORED him by the end of 2nd grade, how he's showing empathy and manners and emotional control in ways that we never could have imagined a few years ago, how he voluntarily tried new foods recently (okay, they were Easy Mac and blueberry pie, but you take what you can get).


Sometimes being the parent of a child with an Autism Spectrum Disorder means too many moments of concern and disappointment and exhaustion and worry and "what if?" - and not enough moments of celebration. So today, I celebrate my amazing son, Evan, and all that he has overcome and accomplished during the last 5 years. And I celebrate his amazing Behavioral and Developmental Pediatrician, Dr. Kessler, who has helped all of us on the journey. Thank you.