On the nightstand: Ruthless Trust

You have to read this book. Randomly last Christmas I bought Matt the book "Ruthless Trust" by Brennan Manning. Having loved his books that I'd already read, I assumed that I couldn't go wrong with this one. Fast foward to several months later as Matt and I found ourselves both struggling with the same spiritual issue: trust.

No joke, I had just said out loud, "I'm done. I don't think I can handle one more thing" when we got the call that Matt's best friend (who lives in NoCal) was experiencing liver failure and would need an emergency liver transplant. Guess who had to handle one more thing ... and more? After coming this close to death at age 43, Kevin's recovery has been rocky but on the right road and we are so grateful that we have the chance to enjoy more of life with our friend.

You'd think that Kevin's miraculous recovery would have strengthened our trust, and I suppose in some ways it has, but it has also been an intense reminder of how life can change in an instant. And that is scary. And do I really trust God with everything?

This book has been such an encouragement and a learning process for both of us about how God transforms us through "true and radical trust." Matt started reading it a month ago or so and I just joined the bandwagon last week. Here's just a sample - I don't have anything else to add but "Wow" and "you've got to read it."

"Uncompromising trust in the love of God inspires us to thank God for the spiritual darkness that envelops us, for the loss of income, for the nagging arthritis that is so painful, and to pray from the heart, 'Abba, into your hands I entrust my body, mind, and spirit and this entire day - morning, afternoon, evening, and night. Whatever you want of me, I want of me, falling into you and trusting in you in the midst of my life. Into your heart I entrust my heart, feeble, distracted, insecure, uncertain. Abba, unto you I abandon myself in Jesus our Lord. Amen.'

"In the arc of my unremarkable life, wherein the victories have been small and personal, the trials fairly pedestrian, and the failures large enough to deeply wound me and those I love, I have repeated endlessly the pattern of falling down and getting up, falling down and getting up. Each time I fall, I am propelled to renew my efforts by a blind trust in the forgivenss of my sins from sheer grace, in the acquittal, vindication, and justification of my ragged journey based not on any good deeds I have done (the approach taken by the Pharisee in the temple) but on an unflagging trust in the love of a gracious and merciful God."

California is burning, pt. 2

I promised that I'd post pictures of all of the smoke at Woodleaf and haven't yet, so here goes.






It felt really creepy to Matt and I, but everyone else at Woodleaf seemed to be taking it in stride, so I guess it was no big deal.

Anyway, I suppose I should slip in a couple of hilarious pictures of Evan and Bennett on vacation. These pictures show their depiction of what it would be like if they got frozen in ice in Wisconsin. Hey, we got desperate for entertainment on our 13 hour roadtrip to NoCal!

Kindergarten Eve

Okay, I'll just put it out there. I'm a wreck.

I'm an all or nothing sort of person emotion-wise. My response to something dramatic tends to be a "hmmm...let me philosophize on (or ignore) that for a while" or to become an anxiety-filled, tear-ridden mess that no one wants to be anywhere near.

Bennett is headed to kindergarten tomorrow. I've known it was coming since February 1, 2003 at about 3pm. The real countdown started about this time last year. Evan thinks having Bennett at Hull Elementary will be awesome (although last thing I heard tonight Evan's personally refusing to enter the school grounds ever again). Bennett is a social animal, is starting to read, and enjoys figuring out math problems - let's just say the kid's ready. We visited the class late last week, met his teacher (he got the one I wanted for him - yay!) and he definitely looked to be the best color-er of all the kids in his class already. I know, I'm biased.

So, the new Hulk backpack and lunchbox are ready to go. Bennett actually went to sleep by 8pm tonight. His school clothes are sitting on the dresser just waiting for the morning.

Everyone seems ready for this except me. I told Matt a few days ago that I wasn't going to handle this well and that I just couldn't talk about it. He's looked at me a few times since with that sweet "are you all right?" look in his eyes and I just wave him off and grunt in the universal "leave me alone, can't you see that I'm about to weep?" signal.

Intellectually, I'm there. I'm convinced Bennett is brilliant. I don't know that he'll be an A student or an academic wonder. But I know that he is one of the most creative, adventurous, passionate, curious little boys I know - and how can someone like that not succeed in school and in life.

So really, I'm just dealing with all of the lame cliches about moms watching their babies go off to kindergarten. I'm SOOOOO excited about all of the time to myself (hellooooo 8:30 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. - yes!) where I can work and do errands and plan and sit quietly and focus on what I want to do when. But I also know that I'm going to miss my chatty little buddy Bennett eagerly trying to get my attention to show me the robot he made from legos ... or to ask me what 7 + 5 is ... or to yell out "I love you, Mom!" while he sits on the toilet.

And I know that tomorrow at 8:35 a.m. this anxiety-filled, tear-ridden mess will be on display full force. Oh well, I'm sure I'll be in good company all across Chandler.

California is burning!

We're right in the middle of our vacation to California and, as much as I'm loving it, part of me is ready to disappear back into the deserts of Arizona. I'm fairly sure that my eyes haven't stopped burning since we got into this state. Among the 1,000+ fires currently burning in Cali is one about 30 minutes north of Woodleaf. When we left today, the smoke looked like fog in the forest. I'll post pictures later. They are surreal.

The boys and I are having a great time bouncing from place to place, eating a lot of fast food and doing a lot of swimming since the 100 degree temperatures missed us too must and so followed us from Chandler.

I'm taking lots of great pictures - mostly of the boys - and will share those soon, too. That's the big update ... we'll be back soon!