Tomorrow morning, Matt and I are planning our escape. Don't worry, we're not running away permanently (although the temptation is often overwhelming). We're doing something completely illogical and driving to San Jose and back in three days. Why? That would be free tickets to The Sexy Tour with great friends.
Are you intrigued? The Sexy Tour ... hmmmmm ... is it Madonna ... or the Jonas Brothers ... or Usher? (Okay, I don't find any of those people sexy, but it's the best I could come up with.) Oh, no. The Sexy Tour features the incredibly hilarious, always, ah, sexy Jim Gaffigan! Here's what you might have been missing:
And of course ... the classic uniting of two of my absolute favorites! Pale Force!
We are thrilled to be seeing Gaffigan in person, but we're even more excited to spend time with our friends AND be alone together with no kids for three days!
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
An Irish prayer for tomorrow morning
This Irish prayer is attributed to Saint Patrick and often referred to as the "breastplate" of St. Patrick, i.e. words that shield. May Christ protect you today and be your strength. -Natalie
I arise today
Through the strength of heaven;
Light of the sun,
Splendor of fire,
Swiftness of wind,
Depth of the sea,
Stability of earth,
Firmness of rock.
I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me;
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's hand to guard me.
Afar and anear,
Alone or in a multitude.
Christ shield me today
Against wounding:
Christ with me,
Christ before me,
Christ behind me,
Christ on my right,
Christ on my left,
Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ in me.
I arise today
Through the mighty strength
Of the Lord of Creation.
I arise today
Through the strength of heaven;
Light of the sun,
Splendor of fire,
Swiftness of wind,
Depth of the sea,
Stability of earth,
Firmness of rock.
I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me;
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's hand to guard me.
Afar and anear,
Alone or in a multitude.
Christ shield me today
Against wounding:
Christ with me,
Christ before me,
Christ behind me,
Christ on my right,
Christ on my left,
Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ in me.
I arise today
Through the mighty strength
Of the Lord of Creation.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Thomas Merton's Prayer ... and mine
MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
- Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude"
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
- Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude"
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Turning this thing around
I feel like I'm hunched over a huge steering wheel, using all my arm and back strength to crank the wheel desperately to the left so that I can change my semi truck's momentum and start heading a different direction. It's exhausting, the effort may fail (can you say crash, rollover, destruction?) and I'm not even sure what the new direction is. But I'm committed to the change and I pray that God will strengthen me to keep cranking on the wheel - or maybe even take over the whole thing. After all, what's the point of having a savior if I don't let myself get saved?
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Perplexed, but not in despair
2 Corinthians 4:1,2; 7-12
Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God.
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God.
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
Judas
They are not
what we thought they were.
An answer to the question. A stake
in the ground. Sunlight pushing
through clouds to brighten a
December morning in Duluth. No,
they are the cloud cover
and the question
and a concrete slab poured over
the soft earth of faith.
More Judas than Jesus, more
hidden than revealed,
we turn our cheek for the kiss,
close our eyes and know that
we are not
what we thought we were either.
Natalie Rust Morris - June 27, 2008
what we thought they were.
An answer to the question. A stake
in the ground. Sunlight pushing
through clouds to brighten a
December morning in Duluth. No,
they are the cloud cover
and the question
and a concrete slab poured over
the soft earth of faith.
More Judas than Jesus, more
hidden than revealed,
we turn our cheek for the kiss,
close our eyes and know that
we are not
what we thought we were either.
Natalie Rust Morris - June 27, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
beautiful mess
She visits my garden overgrown during the
long rainy season. She brings her spade and
meets me out back eager for pungent handfuls of earth.
I can only watch from the kitchen window.
She hasn’t brought some guy from Home Depot’s
parking lot to do the heavy lifting. Working the dirt
with calloused hands, she observes the beautiful
mess and removes weeds one by one by one.
There’s no rush to the finish. Tentatively I follow
her lead, falling to my knees and accepting
the tedious work without knowing where it will
lead. No shortcuts here.
As dusk approaches, I notice we’ve set free only a
small section of the garden, leaving scattered
scarlet flowers in the ground. She has found
what she was looking for and so have I, for now.
“The rainy season brings more than weeds,” she says,
“and the beauty needs to stay.” I can only cling to
the words. Come the dawn I pull on my gloves and
step outside to find my spirit already at work.
Natalie Rust Morris – September 1, 2008
long rainy season. She brings her spade and
meets me out back eager for pungent handfuls of earth.
I can only watch from the kitchen window.
She hasn’t brought some guy from Home Depot’s
parking lot to do the heavy lifting. Working the dirt
with calloused hands, she observes the beautiful
mess and removes weeds one by one by one.
There’s no rush to the finish. Tentatively I follow
her lead, falling to my knees and accepting
the tedious work without knowing where it will
lead. No shortcuts here.
As dusk approaches, I notice we’ve set free only a
small section of the garden, leaving scattered
scarlet flowers in the ground. She has found
what she was looking for and so have I, for now.
“The rainy season brings more than weeds,” she says,
“and the beauty needs to stay.” I can only cling to
the words. Come the dawn I pull on my gloves and
step outside to find my spirit already at work.
Natalie Rust Morris – September 1, 2008
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Perspective for today
We love Evan. We also ache for him. Especially during periods like this where he seems to be hiding in his own world of anxiety, anger and the things that bring him comfort in the midst of it all. Of course we do our best to be a source of peace and love. Of course we fail and succeed day by day, moment by moment. And sometimes we shut down behind closed doors, throw up our hands, let the tears flow and admit that we have absolutely no idea how to help our beloved son.
Amidst fervent prayers and listening for God's voice and the voices of those we trust ... we read. Right now, I'm reading a simple yet profound book called Ten Things Your Child With Autism Wishes You Knew. Here's just a sampling of some of the words that have encouraged me today and reminded me of what I already know, but often forget.
"Raw fear motivated me in the beginning. I could not bear to imagine Bryce's fate as an adult if I did not do everything within my power to equip him to live in a world where I would not always be around." (A constant worry in our lives.)
"Here is the gist of what I know to be true. Your child's autism does not mean that he, you and your family will not lead full, joyous, meaningful lives. You may be scared, but dare yourself to believe this ... with a caveat. How much of that full measure we achieve with our kids is greatly dependent upon the choices we make for and about them given their individuality and uncommon character. A memorable passage from Nora Ephron's story Heartburn has the protagonist asserting that when your dreams break into a million pieces, you can either fall apart, or you can go get yourself a new dream." (Evan will never fit into the "box" so how can we help him learn to function apart from it?)
"The child with autism does need skilled guidance to achieve a comfortable place in the larger world, but working toward that goal with positive energy and optimism is not the same as 'fixing' the child. They already possess much that can be celebrated; we must now go out and love and guide them with the same acceptance of whole self we want for ourselves." (Mostly this is simple because we are crazy about him, sometimes it's incredibly difficult. But Evan deserves nothing less from us.)
"There is no shortcut to anyplace worth going." - Beverly Sills, mother of two special needs children
We don't want the shortcut, we want to do right by our Evan. And sometimes we just need a little perspective.
Amidst fervent prayers and listening for God's voice and the voices of those we trust ... we read. Right now, I'm reading a simple yet profound book called Ten Things Your Child With Autism Wishes You Knew. Here's just a sampling of some of the words that have encouraged me today and reminded me of what I already know, but often forget.
"Raw fear motivated me in the beginning. I could not bear to imagine Bryce's fate as an adult if I did not do everything within my power to equip him to live in a world where I would not always be around." (A constant worry in our lives.)
"Here is the gist of what I know to be true. Your child's autism does not mean that he, you and your family will not lead full, joyous, meaningful lives. You may be scared, but dare yourself to believe this ... with a caveat. How much of that full measure we achieve with our kids is greatly dependent upon the choices we make for and about them given their individuality and uncommon character. A memorable passage from Nora Ephron's story Heartburn has the protagonist asserting that when your dreams break into a million pieces, you can either fall apart, or you can go get yourself a new dream." (Evan will never fit into the "box" so how can we help him learn to function apart from it?)
"The child with autism does need skilled guidance to achieve a comfortable place in the larger world, but working toward that goal with positive energy and optimism is not the same as 'fixing' the child. They already possess much that can be celebrated; we must now go out and love and guide them with the same acceptance of whole self we want for ourselves." (Mostly this is simple because we are crazy about him, sometimes it's incredibly difficult. But Evan deserves nothing less from us.)
"There is no shortcut to anyplace worth going." - Beverly Sills, mother of two special needs children
We don't want the shortcut, we want to do right by our Evan. And sometimes we just need a little perspective.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
What Nat's watching ...
I'm not a commmitted TV viewer. I tend to avoid anything that adds unnecessary anxiety and drama to an already melodramatic, overly anxious psyche. And when I watch TV I almost always multi-task by reading a book or surfing the net or writing e-mails at the same time. (Hey, that's what I'm doing right now!) These are likely the reasons I've never gotten into shows like Lost and Grey's Anatomy and 24 that everyone else I know seems to love. I just can't commit.
Instead, outside of the occasional Masterpiece Theatre experience, I choose to watch shows that don't require regular viewership and either make me laugh or cheer or say "hmmm...interesting." In that light, I give you - in no particular order - Natalie's top 8 TV shows, circa August 2008.
1) Conan O'Brien (NBC)
I'm a Conan junkie. I attribute my inability to fall asleep before midnight to Conan. If I hadn't met Matt when I did, I may have become a Conan stalker. Okay, that might be going a little bit far, but I do have a thing for a guy with a snarky, intelligent sense of humor and crazy hair. I can't wait for Jay Leno to go away ... and I'm not the only one!
2) Forensic Files (TruTV)
Matt doesn't get this one, given the whole avoiding stress and anxiety thing. My explanation is that the sad ending - someone's dead - is just a given, so I can relax and enjoy the scientific process for figuring out who's the bad guy. Plus, the narrator has the coolest voice ever and I can usually count on it being on early in the morning if I have trouble sleeping.
3) My Boys (TBS)
We have the Delaneys to thank for the discovery of this way too hidden gem. A sort-of sitcom without the painful laugh track, My Boys features strong writing, great actors and a group of characters that you just want to hang out with.
4) The Soup (E!)
Talk about snarky. If snarky was a real word, one might find this show in the dictionary as its definition. Wait...I've got to check the dictionary. Dang it! Snarky is there already ("Rudely sarcastic or disrespectful; snide"). Well, this snarky show gleefully makes fun of almost everything on TV and I gleefully go along for the ride.
5) Project Runway (Bravo)
Are you in or are you out? Although my idea of fashion can be found in combining Old Navy with TJ Maxx, I love watching the designers at work. Whether or not I understand why some outfits are better than others according to the judges, the cast of characters never disappoints. Make it work! Ahh, I love Tim Gunn.
6) The Office (NBC)
If there was a particular order to this list, The Office would likely be #1. Matt and I came late to game and we still haven't finished all of season 4, but there is nothing like this show to make me laugh until my stomach hurts. Maybe it's because Steve Carrell is a genius or because Pam & Jim have had the most realistic relationship arc on TV or because I've spent way too much time in an office myself. Always quotable, always memorable. Schrute for VP!
7) Cops (Fox and TruTV)
A classic. I have no real explanation as to the “why?” of my interest in this show. I suppose partially because it’s always on somewhere and requires no real brain power. If I drank more, I’d make up a drinking game related to the number of scenes showing wife beater t-shirts or nudity. Hmm…let me check on that one, too.
8) Reno 911! (Comedy Central and others)
A brilliant parody of a classic. And on TV almost as much as Cops. A bit surreal but always hilarious, this show follows only The Office and Conan in its ability to make me laugh out loud.
Instead, outside of the occasional Masterpiece Theatre experience, I choose to watch shows that don't require regular viewership and either make me laugh or cheer or say "hmmm...interesting." In that light, I give you - in no particular order - Natalie's top 8 TV shows, circa August 2008.
1) Conan O'Brien (NBC)
I'm a Conan junkie. I attribute my inability to fall asleep before midnight to Conan. If I hadn't met Matt when I did, I may have become a Conan stalker. Okay, that might be going a little bit far, but I do have a thing for a guy with a snarky, intelligent sense of humor and crazy hair. I can't wait for Jay Leno to go away ... and I'm not the only one!
2) Forensic Files (TruTV)
Matt doesn't get this one, given the whole avoiding stress and anxiety thing. My explanation is that the sad ending - someone's dead - is just a given, so I can relax and enjoy the scientific process for figuring out who's the bad guy. Plus, the narrator has the coolest voice ever and I can usually count on it being on early in the morning if I have trouble sleeping.
3) My Boys (TBS)
We have the Delaneys to thank for the discovery of this way too hidden gem. A sort-of sitcom without the painful laugh track, My Boys features strong writing, great actors and a group of characters that you just want to hang out with.
4) The Soup (E!)
Talk about snarky. If snarky was a real word, one might find this show in the dictionary as its definition. Wait...I've got to check the dictionary. Dang it! Snarky is there already ("Rudely sarcastic or disrespectful; snide"). Well, this snarky show gleefully makes fun of almost everything on TV and I gleefully go along for the ride.
5) Project Runway (Bravo)
Are you in or are you out? Although my idea of fashion can be found in combining Old Navy with TJ Maxx, I love watching the designers at work. Whether or not I understand why some outfits are better than others according to the judges, the cast of characters never disappoints. Make it work! Ahh, I love Tim Gunn.
6) The Office (NBC)
If there was a particular order to this list, The Office would likely be #1. Matt and I came late to game and we still haven't finished all of season 4, but there is nothing like this show to make me laugh until my stomach hurts. Maybe it's because Steve Carrell is a genius or because Pam & Jim have had the most realistic relationship arc on TV or because I've spent way too much time in an office myself. Always quotable, always memorable. Schrute for VP!
7) Cops (Fox and TruTV)
A classic. I have no real explanation as to the “why?” of my interest in this show. I suppose partially because it’s always on somewhere and requires no real brain power. If I drank more, I’d make up a drinking game related to the number of scenes showing wife beater t-shirts or nudity. Hmm…let me check on that one, too.
8) Reno 911! (Comedy Central and others)
A brilliant parody of a classic. And on TV almost as much as Cops. A bit surreal but always hilarious, this show follows only The Office and Conan in its ability to make me laugh out loud.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Morris Bucks
So the Morris family has officially introduced its new positive reinforcement program today: Morris Bucks! If the kids do certain tasks with a good attitude and without complaining (an essential caveat) they get a Morris Buck (or maybe two if it's a really big thing). Then, they can save up their Morris Bucks for different rewards (going to get ice cream, playing GameCube for 15 extra minutes, etc). Hopefully this will help them learn to be responsible and teach them to save up for the big things sometimes (getting ice cream would cost less Morris Bucks than going to McDonald's, for example) instead of going for instant gratification.
Knowing our kids, we felt this system would work better than a chart or stickers or that kind of thing because the "Bucks" are physical, tangible things that you can hold and store and count like real money. And being who we are, we had to put our own crazy spin on it and make our own money. No toy store money for us! Introducing ... Morris Bucks!!
Oh yes, Bella is the ultimate in Morris Bucks ... and we all used our superhero alteregos in case Morris Bucks get into the wrong hands somehow. :-) The kids definitely loved the customized "money" and that has energized the whole concept. We'll see how it goes!
Knowing our kids, we felt this system would work better than a chart or stickers or that kind of thing because the "Bucks" are physical, tangible things that you can hold and store and count like real money. And being who we are, we had to put our own crazy spin on it and make our own money. No toy store money for us! Introducing ... Morris Bucks!!
Oh yes, Bella is the ultimate in Morris Bucks ... and we all used our superhero alteregos in case Morris Bucks get into the wrong hands somehow. :-) The kids definitely loved the customized "money" and that has energized the whole concept. We'll see how it goes!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
On the nightstand: Ruthless Trust
You have to read this book. Randomly last Christmas I bought Matt the book "Ruthless Trust" by Brennan Manning. Having loved his books that I'd already read, I assumed that I couldn't go wrong with this one. Fast foward to several months later as Matt and I found ourselves both struggling with the same spiritual issue: trust.
No joke, I had just said out loud, "I'm done. I don't think I can handle one more thing" when we got the call that Matt's best friend (who lives in NoCal) was experiencing liver failure and would need an emergency liver transplant. Guess who had to handle one more thing ... and more? After coming this close to death at age 43, Kevin's recovery has been rocky but on the right road and we are so grateful that we have the chance to enjoy more of life with our friend.
You'd think that Kevin's miraculous recovery would have strengthened our trust, and I suppose in some ways it has, but it has also been an intense reminder of how life can change in an instant. And that is scary. And do I really trust God with everything?
This book has been such an encouragement and a learning process for both of us about how God transforms us through "true and radical trust." Matt started reading it a month ago or so and I just joined the bandwagon last week. Here's just a sample - I don't have anything else to add but "Wow" and "you've got to read it."
"Uncompromising trust in the love of God inspires us to thank God for the spiritual darkness that envelops us, for the loss of income, for the nagging arthritis that is so painful, and to pray from the heart, 'Abba, into your hands I entrust my body, mind, and spirit and this entire day - morning, afternoon, evening, and night. Whatever you want of me, I want of me, falling into you and trusting in you in the midst of my life. Into your heart I entrust my heart, feeble, distracted, insecure, uncertain. Abba, unto you I abandon myself in Jesus our Lord. Amen.'
"In the arc of my unremarkable life, wherein the victories have been small and personal, the trials fairly pedestrian, and the failures large enough to deeply wound me and those I love, I have repeated endlessly the pattern of falling down and getting up, falling down and getting up. Each time I fall, I am propelled to renew my efforts by a blind trust in the forgivenss of my sins from sheer grace, in the acquittal, vindication, and justification of my ragged journey based not on any good deeds I have done (the approach taken by the Pharisee in the temple) but on an unflagging trust in the love of a gracious and merciful God."
No joke, I had just said out loud, "I'm done. I don't think I can handle one more thing" when we got the call that Matt's best friend (who lives in NoCal) was experiencing liver failure and would need an emergency liver transplant. Guess who had to handle one more thing ... and more? After coming this close to death at age 43, Kevin's recovery has been rocky but on the right road and we are so grateful that we have the chance to enjoy more of life with our friend.
You'd think that Kevin's miraculous recovery would have strengthened our trust, and I suppose in some ways it has, but it has also been an intense reminder of how life can change in an instant. And that is scary. And do I really trust God with everything?
This book has been such an encouragement and a learning process for both of us about how God transforms us through "true and radical trust." Matt started reading it a month ago or so and I just joined the bandwagon last week. Here's just a sample - I don't have anything else to add but "Wow" and "you've got to read it."
"Uncompromising trust in the love of God inspires us to thank God for the spiritual darkness that envelops us, for the loss of income, for the nagging arthritis that is so painful, and to pray from the heart, 'Abba, into your hands I entrust my body, mind, and spirit and this entire day - morning, afternoon, evening, and night. Whatever you want of me, I want of me, falling into you and trusting in you in the midst of my life. Into your heart I entrust my heart, feeble, distracted, insecure, uncertain. Abba, unto you I abandon myself in Jesus our Lord. Amen.'
"In the arc of my unremarkable life, wherein the victories have been small and personal, the trials fairly pedestrian, and the failures large enough to deeply wound me and those I love, I have repeated endlessly the pattern of falling down and getting up, falling down and getting up. Each time I fall, I am propelled to renew my efforts by a blind trust in the forgivenss of my sins from sheer grace, in the acquittal, vindication, and justification of my ragged journey based not on any good deeds I have done (the approach taken by the Pharisee in the temple) but on an unflagging trust in the love of a gracious and merciful God."
California is burning, pt. 2
I promised that I'd post pictures of all of the smoke at Woodleaf and haven't yet, so here goes.
It felt really creepy to Matt and I, but everyone else at Woodleaf seemed to be taking it in stride, so I guess it was no big deal.
Anyway, I suppose I should slip in a couple of hilarious pictures of Evan and Bennett on vacation. These pictures show their depiction of what it would be like if they got frozen in ice in Wisconsin. Hey, we got desperate for entertainment on our 13 hour roadtrip to NoCal!
It felt really creepy to Matt and I, but everyone else at Woodleaf seemed to be taking it in stride, so I guess it was no big deal.
Anyway, I suppose I should slip in a couple of hilarious pictures of Evan and Bennett on vacation. These pictures show their depiction of what it would be like if they got frozen in ice in Wisconsin. Hey, we got desperate for entertainment on our 13 hour roadtrip to NoCal!
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Kindergarten Eve
Okay, I'll just put it out there. I'm a wreck.
I'm an all or nothing sort of person emotion-wise. My response to something dramatic tends to be a "hmmm...let me philosophize on (or ignore) that for a while" or to become an anxiety-filled, tear-ridden mess that no one wants to be anywhere near.
Bennett is headed to kindergarten tomorrow. I've known it was coming since February 1, 2003 at about 3pm. The real countdown started about this time last year. Evan thinks having Bennett at Hull Elementary will be awesome (although last thing I heard tonight Evan's personally refusing to enter the school grounds ever again). Bennett is a social animal, is starting to read, and enjoys figuring out math problems - let's just say the kid's ready. We visited the class late last week, met his teacher (he got the one I wanted for him - yay!) and he definitely looked to be the best color-er of all the kids in his class already. I know, I'm biased.
So, the new Hulk backpack and lunchbox are ready to go. Bennett actually went to sleep by 8pm tonight. His school clothes are sitting on the dresser just waiting for the morning.
Everyone seems ready for this except me. I told Matt a few days ago that I wasn't going to handle this well and that I just couldn't talk about it. He's looked at me a few times since with that sweet "are you all right?" look in his eyes and I just wave him off and grunt in the universal "leave me alone, can't you see that I'm about to weep?" signal.
Intellectually, I'm there. I'm convinced Bennett is brilliant. I don't know that he'll be an A student or an academic wonder. But I know that he is one of the most creative, adventurous, passionate, curious little boys I know - and how can someone like that not succeed in school and in life.
So really, I'm just dealing with all of the lame cliches about moms watching their babies go off to kindergarten. I'm SOOOOO excited about all of the time to myself (hellooooo 8:30 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. - yes!) where I can work and do errands and plan and sit quietly and focus on what I want to do when. But I also know that I'm going to miss my chatty little buddy Bennett eagerly trying to get my attention to show me the robot he made from legos ... or to ask me what 7 + 5 is ... or to yell out "I love you, Mom!" while he sits on the toilet.
And I know that tomorrow at 8:35 a.m. this anxiety-filled, tear-ridden mess will be on display full force. Oh well, I'm sure I'll be in good company all across Chandler.
I'm an all or nothing sort of person emotion-wise. My response to something dramatic tends to be a "hmmm...let me philosophize on (or ignore) that for a while" or to become an anxiety-filled, tear-ridden mess that no one wants to be anywhere near.
Bennett is headed to kindergarten tomorrow. I've known it was coming since February 1, 2003 at about 3pm. The real countdown started about this time last year. Evan thinks having Bennett at Hull Elementary will be awesome (although last thing I heard tonight Evan's personally refusing to enter the school grounds ever again). Bennett is a social animal, is starting to read, and enjoys figuring out math problems - let's just say the kid's ready. We visited the class late last week, met his teacher (he got the one I wanted for him - yay!) and he definitely looked to be the best color-er of all the kids in his class already. I know, I'm biased.
So, the new Hulk backpack and lunchbox are ready to go. Bennett actually went to sleep by 8pm tonight. His school clothes are sitting on the dresser just waiting for the morning.
Everyone seems ready for this except me. I told Matt a few days ago that I wasn't going to handle this well and that I just couldn't talk about it. He's looked at me a few times since with that sweet "are you all right?" look in his eyes and I just wave him off and grunt in the universal "leave me alone, can't you see that I'm about to weep?" signal.
Intellectually, I'm there. I'm convinced Bennett is brilliant. I don't know that he'll be an A student or an academic wonder. But I know that he is one of the most creative, adventurous, passionate, curious little boys I know - and how can someone like that not succeed in school and in life.
So really, I'm just dealing with all of the lame cliches about moms watching their babies go off to kindergarten. I'm SOOOOO excited about all of the time to myself (hellooooo 8:30 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. - yes!) where I can work and do errands and plan and sit quietly and focus on what I want to do when. But I also know that I'm going to miss my chatty little buddy Bennett eagerly trying to get my attention to show me the robot he made from legos ... or to ask me what 7 + 5 is ... or to yell out "I love you, Mom!" while he sits on the toilet.
And I know that tomorrow at 8:35 a.m. this anxiety-filled, tear-ridden mess will be on display full force. Oh well, I'm sure I'll be in good company all across Chandler.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
California is burning!
We're right in the middle of our vacation to California and, as much as I'm loving it, part of me is ready to disappear back into the deserts of Arizona. I'm fairly sure that my eyes haven't stopped burning since we got into this state. Among the 1,000+ fires currently burning in Cali is one about 30 minutes north of Woodleaf. When we left today, the smoke looked like fog in the forest. I'll post pictures later. They are surreal.
The boys and I are having a great time bouncing from place to place, eating a lot of fast food and doing a lot of swimming since the 100 degree temperatures missed us too must and so followed us from Chandler.
I'm taking lots of great pictures - mostly of the boys - and will share those soon, too. That's the big update ... we'll be back soon!
The boys and I are having a great time bouncing from place to place, eating a lot of fast food and doing a lot of swimming since the 100 degree temperatures missed us too must and so followed us from Chandler.
I'm taking lots of great pictures - mostly of the boys - and will share those soon, too. That's the big update ... we'll be back soon!
Monday, June 9, 2008
Yes
I've decided that one of my very favorite words is "yes." I love it in the poem from yesterday's post ... "everything which is natural which is infinite which is yes" and I love that the poem below is called "Yes." There's something about "yes" that brings to mind all of the possibilites, the beauty of what can still be, a connection with another human being. It's a word that can change your life. Or it can simply be the difference between receiving packets of ketchup in your McDonald's bag ... or not. Here's hoping that you have many moments of "yes" in your life today.
Yes
It could happen any time, tornado,
earthquake, Armageddon. It could happen.
Or sunshine, love, salvation.
It could, you know. That's why we wake
and look out -- no guarantees
in this life.
But some bonuses, like morning,
like right now, like noon,
like evening.
~ William Stafford
Yes
It could happen any time, tornado,
earthquake, Armageddon. It could happen.
Or sunshine, love, salvation.
It could, you know. That's why we wake
and look out -- no guarantees
in this life.
But some bonuses, like morning,
like right now, like noon,
like evening.
~ William Stafford
Finding your joy
I know that I've been pretty open here about the fact that our lives have been overwhelmed by difficulties and challenges and dark places in recent months ... even years. In the midst of it, I have worked hard to face it all head on and allow God to do whatever molding and teaching and remolding and reteaching he has in mind for my character and my heart and my intellect. Part of what that's meant is embracing my negative emotions in a way that I've never been able to before instead of trying to ignore them or push them away or intellectualize them. In order to make it through the dark, I've needed to let myself just be there and slowly find my way, instead of running desperately in any and every direction looking for a hint of light.
I feel like I've been in the dark for so long that I've given up looking for the light at all. But recently, I've been telling God that I'm tired - and I'm ready to find some joy and light again. And it seems like ever since I started talking to him about that, he's allowed me to find my joy in people and things that are part of my everyday ...
- My amazing husband who I still cherish and desire and love to laugh with and simply be with after 15 years.
- My parents who are faithful and gracious, giving their love and understanding and support in abundance.
- My friends and family who pray for us and love me with e-mails and phone calls even when I just can't respond.
- My books that provide an escape.
- My cozy bed that is a refuge and a comfort.
- Coffee with cream.
- Fizzy water on ice.
- A ridiculously robust music library that allows me to create a playlist appropriate for any setting or mood (that's Matt again!).
Lastly, I wanted to share one of my favorite poems, written by e.e. cummings and read by my brother Matt at my wedding. This poem is, at its core, a celebration of joy itself and the joy of simply being alive:
i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes
(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
I feel like I've been in the dark for so long that I've given up looking for the light at all. But recently, I've been telling God that I'm tired - and I'm ready to find some joy and light again. And it seems like ever since I started talking to him about that, he's allowed me to find my joy in people and things that are part of my everyday ...
- My amazing husband who I still cherish and desire and love to laugh with and simply be with after 15 years.
- My parents who are faithful and gracious, giving their love and understanding and support in abundance.
- My friends and family who pray for us and love me with e-mails and phone calls even when I just can't respond.
- My books that provide an escape.
- My cozy bed that is a refuge and a comfort.
- Coffee with cream.
- Fizzy water on ice.
- A ridiculously robust music library that allows me to create a playlist appropriate for any setting or mood (that's Matt again!).
Lastly, I wanted to share one of my favorite poems, written by e.e. cummings and read by my brother Matt at my wedding. This poem is, at its core, a celebration of joy itself and the joy of simply being alive:
i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes
(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Special needs kindergartener "voted" out of class
Very few things cause me to get truly angry. Annoyed, irritated, bugged - oh yes. But true anger is not something that is in my everyday emotional spectrum.
However...
If you want to see me angry sometime, just do something to hurt or humiliate one of my children. Then you will come eye-to-eye with a mother bear the likes of which you haven't seen before.
I came across a story online just a few minutes ago that doesn't involve either of my boys, but ... close enough. It could have been. It could be someday. There but by the grace of God go I. And I'm pissed. (Having been raised by my mother that use of the word "pissed" is possibly even more vulgar than the "f" word, you know where I'm coming from.)
Have you seen this yet?
I can't tell you the rage I felt when I first heard about this. Regardless of the child's behavior in the class, diagnosis or lack of diagnosis, this never should have happened. What child wouldn't be emotionally scarred by having to stand in front of the class, hear all of the things his classmates didn't like about him, and experience the process of being voted out of the class? That's not bad judgement on the part of the teacher, it's just cruel.
When I learned that Alex likely has Asperger's, the rage continued to build. Didn't she know that the child's behavior problems were likely coming from a physiological source? Hadn't she met with the mom and talked about options for helping him control and redirect his behavior? Having lived the pain and difficulty of mainstreaming Evan over the past few years, I know that it's not simple. But his teachers have embraced him and his difficulties with grace, while working to ensure dignity for Evan and a quality environment for the other kids.
My exploding point came from reading innumerable posts on blogs and comments on news websites in support of the teacher. These posters consistently referred to special needs kids as retarded, abnormal, not appropriate in a class of "normal" students and, my personal favorite, IT. Not him or her. IT. Here's a lovely sample:
"If they have special needs and are retarded they aren''t learning anyway, get rid of them."
I know that is ignorance and stupidity and selfishness and hate. But it hurts anyway. It hurts for my beautiful, intelligent, emotional, loving son who faces social and emotional and cognitive barriers every day that we can't even imagine.
I just pray that little Alex and his family will find encouragement and grace and peace in the midst of this horrible situation. I know people are writing to the school principal and the district and the state and the principal's mom (!!) about this and I'm all in favor of that.
But I'm even more in favor of writing to Alex and his mom with a card or letter or e-mail of encouragement. They need to be overwhelmed by the fact that there are truly good, loving people in the world after they have faced such hate. If you get a chance, send Alex a quick note.
Alex is Special
c/o Barbara Curtis
15648 Britenbush Ct.
Waterford, VA 20197
supportalex@treasurecoast.com
However...
If you want to see me angry sometime, just do something to hurt or humiliate one of my children. Then you will come eye-to-eye with a mother bear the likes of which you haven't seen before.
I came across a story online just a few minutes ago that doesn't involve either of my boys, but ... close enough. It could have been. It could be someday. There but by the grace of God go I. And I'm pissed. (Having been raised by my mother that use of the word "pissed" is possibly even more vulgar than the "f" word, you know where I'm coming from.)
Have you seen this yet?
I can't tell you the rage I felt when I first heard about this. Regardless of the child's behavior in the class, diagnosis or lack of diagnosis, this never should have happened. What child wouldn't be emotionally scarred by having to stand in front of the class, hear all of the things his classmates didn't like about him, and experience the process of being voted out of the class? That's not bad judgement on the part of the teacher, it's just cruel.
When I learned that Alex likely has Asperger's, the rage continued to build. Didn't she know that the child's behavior problems were likely coming from a physiological source? Hadn't she met with the mom and talked about options for helping him control and redirect his behavior? Having lived the pain and difficulty of mainstreaming Evan over the past few years, I know that it's not simple. But his teachers have embraced him and his difficulties with grace, while working to ensure dignity for Evan and a quality environment for the other kids.
My exploding point came from reading innumerable posts on blogs and comments on news websites in support of the teacher. These posters consistently referred to special needs kids as retarded, abnormal, not appropriate in a class of "normal" students and, my personal favorite, IT. Not him or her. IT. Here's a lovely sample:
"If they have special needs and are retarded they aren''t learning anyway, get rid of them."
I know that is ignorance and stupidity and selfishness and hate. But it hurts anyway. It hurts for my beautiful, intelligent, emotional, loving son who faces social and emotional and cognitive barriers every day that we can't even imagine.
I just pray that little Alex and his family will find encouragement and grace and peace in the midst of this horrible situation. I know people are writing to the school principal and the district and the state and the principal's mom (!!) about this and I'm all in favor of that.
But I'm even more in favor of writing to Alex and his mom with a card or letter or e-mail of encouragement. They need to be overwhelmed by the fact that there are truly good, loving people in the world after they have faced such hate. If you get a chance, send Alex a quick note.
Alex is Special
c/o Barbara Curtis
15648 Britenbush Ct.
Waterford, VA 20197
supportalex@treasurecoast.com
While we've been away - the mini version
Just when you think life can't get more complicated, one day you wake up and get a phone call telling you that one of your best friends needs an emergency liver transplant. That day, your husband gets on the plane and heads up to San Jose. After hours and days of prayer and worry and prayer a donor liver is found and the surgery goes well. Then you get on a plane and briefly cross paths with your husband and spend a week trying to be a support. You get home and dive into life while trying to support your friends long distance. Then you realize that your special needs kid needs a new medication because the one he's on, while effective, has packed on the pounds almost overnight and could be potentially dangerous. So, you start over with a new medication but that one doesn't seem to be effective and the options are slim after this. Okay, I'm done because this is the mini version.
Glad to be back!
Natalie
Glad to be back!
Natalie
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Bonus post: It's Bennett's garden ... I just work here
It's April in Arizona and I've actually been paying attention to the garden this year! We've been excited to have the chance to enjoy the beauty that five years of work and planning has produced. Not that the work is done - I still have lots of ideas to add to its beauty (it's called shoving plants into the ground until there's no sign of soil left - ha!). My dad said yesterday that we "need to find 80 acres somewhere" so that I can fit in all the plants that I keep trying to fit into our yard. Until 80 acres is a possibility, we'll make the most of our tiny garden.
Bennett has labeled one large corner of that tiny garden "Bennett's Garden." He likes to pick out flowers for that area and has claimed it officially by putting a stick in the ground and resting an upside down watering can on top of the stick. I love that sense of pride and ownership. Sadly, "ownership" doesn't necessarily translate to "interest in doing the work" so that's where I take over. It's okay, though, since I'm really the one who started this whole thing.
Here are some pictures I took yesterday - click on any photo to see a larger version. Oh, and I had to sneak in my favorite new picture of our sweet Bella girl - make sure to look for her!
Bennett has labeled one large corner of that tiny garden "Bennett's Garden." He likes to pick out flowers for that area and has claimed it officially by putting a stick in the ground and resting an upside down watering can on top of the stick. I love that sense of pride and ownership. Sadly, "ownership" doesn't necessarily translate to "interest in doing the work" so that's where I take over. It's okay, though, since I'm really the one who started this whole thing.
Here are some pictures I took yesterday - click on any photo to see a larger version. Oh, and I had to sneak in my favorite new picture of our sweet Bella girl - make sure to look for her!
Autistic need support, not pity
I got this article from an AS mailing list that I'm on and I think it's wonderful. The author does a great job of expressing one point that I've always believed - a continued focus on a "cure" isn't as important as helping autistic kids and their families know how to navigate and thrive in a neurotypical world. Plus, she quotes T.S. Eliot, so she's got to be fabulous!
Anyway, it's so important to really listen to those who are actually living out autism everyday as adults. I'm all for autism acceptance! -Natalie
Autistic need support, not pity
By LIZZY MILLER
lizzy.miller@ centre.edu
T.S. Eliot was right: April is the cruelest month.
So maybe the lilacs haven't bloomed yet, and maybe any dead land in the area has turned into mud by now, but the principle is the same: April is one of the most unintentionally cruel months of the 12.
It's Autism Awareness Month.
I, for one, am acutely aware of autism, and I don't need a special month to think about it, because I am autistic.
I am one of the autistic adults that the president of Autism Speaks - an "organization" that despite its name doesn't employ autistic people or allow their input - swears up and down don't exist.
I am one of the autistic adults who spent much of her youth being bullied for her differences. I am fortunate that the only abuse I suffered was at the hands of my peers. Many autistic people today are still hospitalized against their will simply for being autistic. They often are forcibly restrained and suffer electric shocks in hopes of being "cured."
I am one of the autistic adults who is fortunate enough to have been born into a loving, supportive family that did everything in their power to teach me the coping skills I needed to function in a neurotypical world. Many parents of autistic children teach them that what they are is inherently bad early on. Some of them end up killing their own children and get applauded for their "acts of mercy." These
parents tend to face drastically lighter prison sentences than parents who harm their neurotypical children, if they're convicted at all.
I am one of the autistic adults who is proud to be fighting for the autism acceptance movement.
"Autism awareness" is not a laudable goal. Awareness is cheap. Anybody can put a puzzle piece magnet on his car and call himself "aware." Being aware and accepting of autistic people as people instead of puzzles takes more effort.
Many 'flavors' of autism
It's impossible for me to speak for all autistic people on most issues. Autism is a spectrum disorder, meaning there are as many flavors of autism as there are autistic people. There are, however, a few things that I feel safe to say on behalf of the one in 166 people who have been diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder.
Do not pity us; it accomplishes nothing but harm. Help us by listening to us. Even those of us who don't or can't speak have plenty to say; we simply need to be given the opportunity. Don't pretend to know what's going on in our heads if you've never even bothered to ask.
We are not puzzles; we are people. We are not broken; don't fix us. There aren't neurotypical people trapped inside us, waiting to be unlocked. We're just like you already, except we experience the world differently.
Oh, and watching "The Rain Man" doesn't count as research.
That said, I fully support therapies that genuinely help autistic people function in our neurotypical society. It's just that attempts to "cure" us by making us just like everybody else are misguided at best. The only thing autism "cures" accomplish is teaching autistic people to act neurotypical while believing that they are broken.
As Eugene Marcus, an autistic writer, says, "the person who believes 'I will be real when I am normal' will always be almost a person, but will never make it all the way."
I am real, and I am normal. I'm just not neurotypical.
Now can we please move on to fighting real epidemics?
Lizzy Miller is a spring semester intern at The Advocate.
Copyright:The Advocate-Messenger 2008
Anyway, it's so important to really listen to those who are actually living out autism everyday as adults. I'm all for autism acceptance! -Natalie
Autistic need support, not pity
By LIZZY MILLER
lizzy.miller@ centre.edu
T.S. Eliot was right: April is the cruelest month.
So maybe the lilacs haven't bloomed yet, and maybe any dead land in the area has turned into mud by now, but the principle is the same: April is one of the most unintentionally cruel months of the 12.
It's Autism Awareness Month.
I, for one, am acutely aware of autism, and I don't need a special month to think about it, because I am autistic.
I am one of the autistic adults that the president of Autism Speaks - an "organization" that despite its name doesn't employ autistic people or allow their input - swears up and down don't exist.
I am one of the autistic adults who spent much of her youth being bullied for her differences. I am fortunate that the only abuse I suffered was at the hands of my peers. Many autistic people today are still hospitalized against their will simply for being autistic. They often are forcibly restrained and suffer electric shocks in hopes of being "cured."
I am one of the autistic adults who is fortunate enough to have been born into a loving, supportive family that did everything in their power to teach me the coping skills I needed to function in a neurotypical world. Many parents of autistic children teach them that what they are is inherently bad early on. Some of them end up killing their own children and get applauded for their "acts of mercy." These
parents tend to face drastically lighter prison sentences than parents who harm their neurotypical children, if they're convicted at all.
I am one of the autistic adults who is proud to be fighting for the autism acceptance movement.
"Autism awareness" is not a laudable goal. Awareness is cheap. Anybody can put a puzzle piece magnet on his car and call himself "aware." Being aware and accepting of autistic people as people instead of puzzles takes more effort.
Many 'flavors' of autism
It's impossible for me to speak for all autistic people on most issues. Autism is a spectrum disorder, meaning there are as many flavors of autism as there are autistic people. There are, however, a few things that I feel safe to say on behalf of the one in 166 people who have been diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder.
Do not pity us; it accomplishes nothing but harm. Help us by listening to us. Even those of us who don't or can't speak have plenty to say; we simply need to be given the opportunity. Don't pretend to know what's going on in our heads if you've never even bothered to ask.
We are not puzzles; we are people. We are not broken; don't fix us. There aren't neurotypical people trapped inside us, waiting to be unlocked. We're just like you already, except we experience the world differently.
Oh, and watching "The Rain Man" doesn't count as research.
That said, I fully support therapies that genuinely help autistic people function in our neurotypical society. It's just that attempts to "cure" us by making us just like everybody else are misguided at best. The only thing autism "cures" accomplish is teaching autistic people to act neurotypical while believing that they are broken.
As Eugene Marcus, an autistic writer, says, "the person who believes 'I will be real when I am normal' will always be almost a person, but will never make it all the way."
I am real, and I am normal. I'm just not neurotypical.
Now can we please move on to fighting real epidemics?
Lizzy Miller is a spring semester intern at The Advocate.
Copyright:The Advocate-Messenger 2008
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