On the nightstand: Ruthless Trust

You have to read this book. Randomly last Christmas I bought Matt the book "Ruthless Trust" by Brennan Manning. Having loved his books that I'd already read, I assumed that I couldn't go wrong with this one. Fast foward to several months later as Matt and I found ourselves both struggling with the same spiritual issue: trust.

No joke, I had just said out loud, "I'm done. I don't think I can handle one more thing" when we got the call that Matt's best friend (who lives in NoCal) was experiencing liver failure and would need an emergency liver transplant. Guess who had to handle one more thing ... and more? After coming this close to death at age 43, Kevin's recovery has been rocky but on the right road and we are so grateful that we have the chance to enjoy more of life with our friend.

You'd think that Kevin's miraculous recovery would have strengthened our trust, and I suppose in some ways it has, but it has also been an intense reminder of how life can change in an instant. And that is scary. And do I really trust God with everything?

This book has been such an encouragement and a learning process for both of us about how God transforms us through "true and radical trust." Matt started reading it a month ago or so and I just joined the bandwagon last week. Here's just a sample - I don't have anything else to add but "Wow" and "you've got to read it."

"Uncompromising trust in the love of God inspires us to thank God for the spiritual darkness that envelops us, for the loss of income, for the nagging arthritis that is so painful, and to pray from the heart, 'Abba, into your hands I entrust my body, mind, and spirit and this entire day - morning, afternoon, evening, and night. Whatever you want of me, I want of me, falling into you and trusting in you in the midst of my life. Into your heart I entrust my heart, feeble, distracted, insecure, uncertain. Abba, unto you I abandon myself in Jesus our Lord. Amen.'

"In the arc of my unremarkable life, wherein the victories have been small and personal, the trials fairly pedestrian, and the failures large enough to deeply wound me and those I love, I have repeated endlessly the pattern of falling down and getting up, falling down and getting up. Each time I fall, I am propelled to renew my efforts by a blind trust in the forgivenss of my sins from sheer grace, in the acquittal, vindication, and justification of my ragged journey based not on any good deeds I have done (the approach taken by the Pharisee in the temple) but on an unflagging trust in the love of a gracious and merciful God."

Yes

I've decided that one of my very favorite words is "yes." I love it in the poem from yesterday's post ... "everything which is natural which is infinite which is yes" and I love that the poem below is called "Yes." There's something about "yes" that brings to mind all of the possibilites, the beauty of what can still be, a connection with another human being. It's a word that can change your life. Or it can simply be the difference between receiving packets of ketchup in your McDonald's bag ... or not. Here's hoping that you have many moments of "yes" in your life today.


Yes

It could happen any time, tornado,
earthquake, Armageddon. It could happen.
Or sunshine, love, salvation.

It could, you know. That's why we wake
and look out -- no guarantees
in this life.

But some bonuses, like morning,
like right now, like noon,
like evening.

~ William Stafford

Finding your joy

I know that I've been pretty open here about the fact that our lives have been overwhelmed by difficulties and challenges and dark places in recent months ... even years. In the midst of it, I have worked hard to face it all head on and allow God to do whatever molding and teaching and remolding and reteaching he has in mind for my character and my heart and my intellect. Part of what that's meant is embracing my negative emotions in a way that I've never been able to before instead of trying to ignore them or push them away or intellectualize them. In order to make it through the dark, I've needed to let myself just be there and slowly find my way, instead of running desperately in any and every direction looking for a hint of light.

I feel like I've been in the dark for so long that I've given up looking for the light at all. But recently, I've been telling God that I'm tired - and I'm ready to find some joy and light again. And it seems like ever since I started talking to him about that, he's allowed me to find my joy in people and things that are part of my everyday ...

- My amazing husband who I still cherish and desire and love to laugh with and simply be with after 15 years.
- My parents who are faithful and gracious, giving their love and understanding and support in abundance.
- My friends and family who pray for us and love me with e-mails and phone calls even when I just can't respond.
- My books that provide an escape.
- My cozy bed that is a refuge and a comfort.
- Coffee with cream.
- Fizzy water on ice.
- A ridiculously robust music library that allows me to create a playlist appropriate for any setting or mood (that's Matt again!).

Lastly, I wanted to share one of my favorite poems, written by e.e. cummings and read by my brother Matt at my wedding. This poem is, at its core, a celebration of joy itself and the joy of simply being alive:

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

Bonus post: On the nightstand

I realized that I haven't blogged about what's on my nightstand lately and I know you've been clamoring loudly for that information. Cricket ... cricket. Well, regardless, here's what I've currently got goin' on:

A Walk with Jane Austen: A Journey into Adventure, Love & Faith by Lori Smith: Started reading this one yesterday and I already love it. Are you shocked? She's managed to jam four of my favorite things in the title alone! Austen. Adventure. Love. Faith. I could devour this one in a matter of hours, but I'm trying to read it thoroughly this first time and savor the experience. Essentially, it's a memoir about the author's experience visiting significant locations in Austen's life and works during a time of change and difficulty in her life. Sidenote: I was reading this book earlier today. Bennett took one look at it and asked me, "Mom, is that one of those Pride and Prejudice books?" Two things: he's incredibly perceptive and I am truly sick.

Conversations: The Message with its Translator by Eugene Peterson and GOD: Now let me show you how really spiritual I am - haha. Actually, I'm completely Christian-geeking out on this bible right now. It's the complete text of The Message translation with commentary and insight from Peterson included right in the narrative. So his comments aren't footnotes at the bottom of the page, but paragraph chunks related to what you're reading included as you read. I really like this format - it doesn't force you to go back and forth between text and provides for a much smoother reading experience. Plus, I love Peterson's take on scripture and his voice as a writer - see A Long Obedience in the Same Direction: Discipleship in an Instant Society and Leap Over a Wall: Earthy Spirituality for Everyday Christians for other examples.

P.S. I Love You by Cecelia Ahern: I'm not sure about this one. I've been working on it for months after randomly picking it up at an airport and just haven't been able to get into it. The concept is interesting and I'm no classic literature purist, but I just haven't connected with the emotion in this book. And I'm not sure yet that it's even well-written. But it took me a while to really get hooked on Les Mis and Crime and Punishment, too, so what do I know? Anyway, I've convinced myself to carry on and at least finish the freakin' thing.

Obedience

"But I have found that whenever I have surrendered in obedience, impossible things have become simple.... May he who has helped me with even more difficult things than this one help me now. Into his mercy I deliver my trust."

- St. Teresa of Avila from The Interior Castle

I've just started reading this book and it is blowing me away already. It's "heady" as Matt would say - St. Teresa was a 16th century nun and mystic - her wisdom and obvious intimacy with God is apparent in each paragraph, almost each sentence. I'll keep you updated.

Much love,
Natalie

Coming out of the (romance) closet

Because they are both such a big part of our lives, you will get your fill of books and music when you come to visit our little blog. I love to read almost as much as Matt loves to find cool, obscure bands or humble you (in the nicest possible way) with his knowledge of lyrics to 70s songs the rest of us have forgotten. Plus, I really do love music, too - knowing that I can never compare passion-wise to my husband, of course - and Matt occasionally looks at the books I've placed on shelves all over our house. And he passionately supports the fact that I like to read and write. Ah, and he can read (college degree and all). I'm just teasing, but he really does only read a few books a year and sometimes I read a few books a week, so we laugh about the contrast.

Anyway, I figured that telling you about the books on my nightstand might be fun from time-to-time, but quickly came to the realization that this meant coming clean about a secret that few of my friends or family know about me. Can I do it? Will I be able to face my fellow English-major brother again? Yes, I think the time has come to come clean: I love to read romance novels.

(Here comes the defensive part...) This is no way detracts from my love of classic literature, poetry that doesn't rhyme, or literary non-fiction. My reading tastes are broad and I'm typically reading a few different things at the same time (thus the pile on the nightstand), but there is nothing like a good romance when I'm looking for something that doesn't make me think, that I can finish in a day or two, and that provides a happy ending that makes me smile. I'm a romantic at heart (just ask Matt) and this is my outlet for that.

Anyway, I shouldn't say that I read "romance novels" in such a generic way. I'm actually quite particular about the kind of romances I read. Usually they are Regency novels (set in England during the early 1800s) a la Jane Austen (yes, now it's all making sense!) and are written by particular writers that I can count on for a good plot, character development, and some humor. Every once in a while I'll stray away from that if I find a really good author, but I'm really just trying to find another Mr. Darcy to daydream about. Don't worry, Matt isn't threatened by my love for a fictional character. :-)

So, mock me if you will, but I feel good about this confession. Now to the business at hand. Here's what's on my nightstand:

- Don't Know Much About History...Everything You Need to Know About American History But Never Learned by Kenneth C. Davis: One of the things I loved about studying literature in college (and still enjoy about reading it) is that it provides a way to learn about the history of the time in which it was written (or about which is being written). This is a really approachable history book written in an entertaining, almost funny way.

- Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier: A classic gothic novel published in the late 1930s, this is part ghost story, part romance. I've just started but I really like it so far.

- The Duke and I by Julia Quinn: Thus the reason for my confession. I LOVE Julia Quinn novels. Witty dialogue, believable characters, and interesting love stories. This book is the first in the Bridgerton Family Series, a collection of books about eight brothers and sisters and their journeys to true love. These are books that I will read and re-read. Try it, you might like it!